Saturday, 10/23 -- It's not a Tandoori grill, but a regular gas grill.

Last night Lyn and I treated ourselves to a dinner out. We went out for Indian food. No, not corn and buffalo. India.

Indian food is a glorious gift to mankind. I've never had a an Indian dish that I didn't like. Last night was an old standard, Chicken Tikka Masala. It's almost a stereotypical dish, but since I hadn't had Indian food for so long it was an appropriate choice.

Oh, and the bread... don't get me started.

Sweeps me away
The Weber grill that I won from the Home Depot arrived yesterday. It's really cute. It looks like the robots from the movie "Batteries Not Included". We can't wait to use it.

It has inspired us to start entering sweepstakes online.

Lyn's sister is a pro at sweepstakes. She's the founder of a local sweeps club and has been interviewed by the news media concerning her hobby. It's not all luck, she works hard at winning.

Anyway, I figure that I've had so much bad luck lately that I'm due for some good luck. I'll take it in the form of free prizes and other fun crap. Cross your fingers and toes.

Friday, 10/22 -- Missing blog entry.

I declare shenanigans on Blogger.com! My entry for Thursday the 21st has mysteriously disappeared.

I've contacted the kind folks at Blogger.com to see what happened. Hopefully they'll be able to find it.

I blame Bush.
I also place blame on Cuttlefish Peanut Instant Snacks. Gastronomic terrorism.

Friday, 10/22 -- Writing right, a'ight?

This should have been posted at 1:00, but the Web site was down...
anyway...

I should start writing my blog entries at 2:00 in the morning because that's when I seem to have so much more to say. I was up late last night staring at the ceiling with all kinds of things that I wanted to express in the blog, but here I am 12 hours later without so much as a topic.

If I took on the task of being a professional writer, I think that I'd have to work unusual hours to get any creative work done.

I have always played with the idea of writing for the sake of writing. I think I could create some fairly interesting short stories or even a novel. I always thought that I needed more life experience to be able to do it well. I guess that's been my cop-out.

Maybe tonight, 2:00 am, I'll start my professional writing career with some gawd-awful poetry. I'll include lots of cuss words so people will think that it's edgy and raw. Perfect for my first children's book.

Wednesday, 10/20 -- Making bread. Rolling in dough. Assets are rising.

Yesterday I talked a little about creative juices and needing an outlet. The kitchen has always been one of my favorite creative outlets.

I'm not a "gourmet" chef, nor do I really aspire to be. I can't make a hollandaise sauce. French cuisine doesn't appeal to me. I doubt I'll ever buy a real truffle.

I have a catalogue of recipes in my head that I can call on at 5:30 p.m. to have dinner ready by 6. I can also look through our fridge and pantry and improvise. I'm not afraid of failing in the kitchen, although, believe me, I've had my disasters.

Anyway, my point to this rambling is to share with you my excitement at getting back into the kitchen. Most of the time I've been too weak/sick to stand long enough to work on anything more than a bagel with cream cheese. Today I'm strong enough, and inspired enough, to experiment on a new recipe that I dreamt up late last night.

I'm going to try a whole wheat foccacia bread with assorted veggie toppings. Onions, shallots, garlic, tomato, herbs, olives... whatever else I find. I might get crazy and include some feta cheese.

I've made foccacia bread many times before, but never with the whole wheat flour. Baking with a new flour can be like trying a magic trick for the first time, the end result could be miles from what you're expecting.

If it turns out too bad, I'll just toss some spaghetti sauce on top and call it a cheeseless pizza.
If it turns out REALLY bad, I'll throw it into the neighbor's yard and watch the rats lick at it.

Rabbit with a pancake on it's head.

Tuesday, 10/19 -- Steady rain, clouds, chance of darkness later.

Today's weekly doctor's appointment was fairly uneventful. In all, there's not much to report.

We talked about the harsh reaction I had this time around to the chemo treatment. They scheduled a CAT Scan for late next week to take a look at my lungs. The cancer involvement would be easy to evaluate in my lungs more so than in my bones.

Depending on what the scan shows, I may have to endure another round of the same juice, or we may change to something "just as intense but not as harsh". Either way, let's keep kicking the tumors while they are down.

Constructive Use of Time
My mind is still in the chemo fog that usually follows treatment. I know I'm not 100% myself. I feel slow-witted and find it hard to express my thoughts orally. This fades along with the other side effects, however, I think it keeps me from using my free time more constructively than I could.

I'm not painting inspired portraits or abstracts, I'm not writing the Great American Novel, I'm not pondering the thoughts of philosophers... hell, I've even given up on reading good books because I can't completely follow the stories. My point is, this blog has been my most creative outlet for the past four months. Between you and me, I'd rather than my creative efforts go into something more meaningful than me complaining about how I feel physically.

I don't really know what to do about it. I'm still trying to come up with an idea. All in due time.

Monday, 10/18 -- Wow, that really sucked.

Round Five of chemo has been a new experience. It hit me pretty hard this time around.

The details of the past few days aren't new, it's all stuff that I've talked about before. The effects were a little more intense this time around. The taste in my mouth more putrid. The general illness more crushing.

Lyn takes such good care of me. It breaks my heart that she has to. This isn't how things were supposed to go for us. She deserves much better than this.
Dare I actually say it... "This isn't fair."

Stating the Obvious

No one's life goes exactly as they want it. We make our plans, guess at life here and there and make "educated" choices, but of course we have very little control over what happens in the end. That's a mystifying illusion, that our choices have an effect on our fate. A year ago today I could have never guessed that I'd be a cancer patient. It wasn't part of our plan.

We're still newlyweds, Lyn and I. We've only just begun our lives together. She's the greatest gift I've ever gotten. She deserves so much better than this. Who really deserves this anyway?

I tell you, plain as day, we've gotten a downright shitty deal.

I'll stop right here before I digress into a list of cliches about how I don't deserve to be sick and how life isn't fair. I don't want any of you to get the wrong impression. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, wallowing in pity. Not at all. It's just something that I don't think I've said "out loud" before and I have to right to say it, "This shit isn't fair."

There are countless people that have it worse off than we do, but still I reserve the right to say, "We deserve better than this."

One last thing before I go lay down for a while. I've got some lyrics from an Elliot Smith song going through my head that I think are appropriate for this entry. The song is called "Pitseleh" from the album "XO".

...They say that God makes problems
Just to see what you can stand
Before you do as the devil pleases

And give up the thing you love...

But no one deserves it ...