Friday, 12/17 -- A day at the hospital.

Today was an interesting day.

My back pain this morning was the same, so I called the oncologist's office to see what they thought. After a brief discussion of symptoms, they scheduled an emergency MRI for my spine. Another one of those "How soon can you get here" deals.

We ate some eggs that Lyn prepared on our Le Creuset omelet pan. Delicious.

The MRI is the one where they lay you in a very narrow tube and make a lot of noise. It can be claustrophobic in there, so they give you a little squeezy signaling device to hold in your hand. If you panic, give it a squeeze. It's your way of saying, "GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"

Luckily, I'm not a sufferer of claustrophobia.

The doctor looked at the results and concluded that I did NOT have a cord compression. That was the worst case scenario. I don't have that.

My bones are still in a weakened state from the chemo and disease. It's easier than I thought for me to hurt myself by doing something stupid like lift a 5 gallon bucket of water.

It's very possible that I have a muscle pull along with a slight compression fracture in my SPINE. Let me repeat that, a slight compression fracture in my SPINE.

For the next couple days, I have to take it very easy. These things heal themselves. I have some new goofballs to take if I am in a lot of pain, otherwise I just have to treat it like a bad back.

That's great news.
I was very scared.
I was afraid that the cancer was coming back and causing my spine to be weakened. I thought that I was going to be paralyzed, or unable to otherwise move. I was afraid of more morphine, more tests, more chemo and more time hospitalized.

I was crying like a little girl. That's how scared I was.

I have cancer hypochondria. Every pimple, every mosquito bite, every pocket of gas, every muscle twitch, every coughing fit, every sore tummy and every headache is CANCER until proven otherwise.

I can't wait till this is all over and I can have a decent hangover in peace.

Thursday, 12/16 -- Look to the right to see a picture of a Big, Dumb Moron.

Sidelined, once again.

Today I'm sitting at home in my PJs feeling not at all happy. I've been stupid and now I'm paying for it.

I've been feeling pretty good lately, feeling like I'm on my way back to being my normal self again. I'm up off the couch, I'm going shopping, driving a car, going to work, cooking, cleaning, and so much more. I'm not consciously pushing my limits, more accurately I'm operating at a level that I believe should be within my limits.

Make sense?

I hurt my back lifting things that I had no right lifting. I'm still far too weak to be lifting heavy things. Not only is my blood weak, but my muscles are in atrophy. I can't build muscle when I'm getting chemo. Chemo attacks growing cells. Chemo attacks growing muscles.

My back is weak, and I kept pushing it and pushing it. Now I'm paying for it. My back hurts so badly that at times I cannot move. There is one muscle in particular that is giving me the most grief. It feels like a big one, so that makes it that much harder to move without irritating it.

I feel like a freaking moron. After all the pain and sickness I've endured these last few months, I had to go ahead and invent more pain for myself.

I'm feeling very sad today. I was making so much progress. Two steps forward, now three steps back.

I was watching TV today marveling at the commercials featuring smiling, dancing people. Dancing around with their products without a care in the world. I got angry at them for wasting all that energy, flexibility and freedom on a commercial. What I would do if I had that kind of energy again. How I would move if I wasn't in pain.

Damn it. Oh the list of things I'm going to do when I'm feeling better. This cannot go on forever. I insist on it. I'm putting my damned foot DOWN.

Tuesday, 12/14 -- Keep on Truckin'

Sorry for the late posting, but blogger.com has been acting up again. Couldn’t post this message until Wednesday morning.

The results from the doctor's visit yesterday was non-dramatic. Not that I'm looking for drama in the oncologist's office, mind you.

My blood work continues to improve, all across the board. I haven't had the need for the two "booster shots" that they had been giving me, Aranesp and Nupagin. I'm sure I misspelled these names. Each one works to stimulate blood cell growth, white and red cells. I haven't needed them. Wheee!

My iron level is also good, hopefully I can stop taking the supplements soon. I'll be tough as nails otherwise.

My tumor markers are well within normal ranges, no signs of new growth or activity (in as much as they can tell through blood work). My calcium levels are also within "normal" ranges.

Good blood. Good, good blood.

I got my bug juice and it has no pronounced side effects as of yet. I do have the yuck taste in my mouth, but I battle it with food and it goes away. Ironic, eh?

Next week I have off from chemo, but I start another 3 week cycle of the same stuff starting on the 28th. Possibly getting CT and other scans along the way or afterwards. The Doc said that he'd order scans sooner if I was displaying more intense or altogether new symptoms. Since I'm doing well, clinically and physically, he doesn't see a need to do one sooner. Fine by me.

I'm not upset about getting another round of chemotherapy. I was hoping that I'd be done for a while, but the oncologist wants to keep at it to make sure we take care of the remaining cancer cells. Kick their mother-loving asses.

The side effects of this kind of chemo isn't as crippling as the last kind. I'm able to go to work at least 4 hours a day (still trying to stretch that into more hours, but it's a slow process), my energy level is up because my blood levels are returning to a normal, stable condition, and my hair is growing back. It makes life more livable.

Sure I have my bad days and some of the side effects that I haven't mentioned are pretty bad, but all in all, I'm glad to be alive. Plus I can see better days ahead.

Keep on Truckin'.

Monday, 12/13 -- Watching the Eagles on Sunday night made today feel like a Tuesday.

Not much to report today. Continuing to do well.

Tomorrow, Tuesday, will be a day of news.

I'll find out when my next round of tests, scans and evaluations will be done. Maybe during the holidays, maybe afterward.

Yes, I'm still having these damned headaches. Even with my new pills. I'll ask them about that "fer shur."

I'll also find out if I'll be getting a chemo holiday. A break from any chemo treatment. When and how long? Tell me tell me tell me!

Tomorrow is also my last dose of Bug Juice before Christmas. I'll ask them to make it egg nog flavored.

I'll report tomorrow late afternoon or evening with any news.

Until then... tip your waiters and waitresses well... and if you drink, don't drive... and if you don't drive, then drink.

Saturday & Sunday, 12/11 & 12 -- Boo!

It's been a pretty even keel couple of days. Better than average energy, not much fatigue.

I've been eating well, trying to put on some weight. Because my weight has been hanging around 180, I'm supposed to try and put on as much weight as I can while I can. You'd think it wouldn't be a problem during this time of year. When I eat what I think is a lot of food, it is actually akin to what a normal meal used to be for me. Not really gaining too much ground.

I have to remember to include the grease group in my balanced diet more often.

Nausea hasn't been a problem for a couple of days, so eating is fun.

I know I seem to spend a lot of time thinking about food, my weight and eating. I have always been this way, but since July I think I have good reason to be so obsessed with the subject.

Every so often I'll catch my reflection when I'm not prepared for it. In my mind, I still look the same as I always did. It can be jarring when I see myself now when I'm not expecting it.

I don't like surprising myself like that.

BOO!