Saturday, 1/29 -- Creeping doubts.

Today's just another day of lying on the couch.

I don't like this chemo treatment. These drugs are not kind to me. As far as aches and pains, I don't know what's the drugs and what's the cancer. Either way, it freaks me out.

I'm off to brush my teeth. That will make me tired enough to maybe take a nap.

I sure hope this treatment is working.
I'd hate to think that I'm suffering these side effects and the cancer is still growing.

It's hard to stay positive when you feel so marginal.

Friday, 1/28 -- English Food experiment.

Today's experiment in eating: Kippered Snacks.

I bought them on recommendation of the many books I read on the subject of anti-cancer fighting foods. Oily fish have, as we've all heard, omega 3 oils that are really, really, really good for us.

Salmon, tuna, herring and others. Kippered snacks are smoked herring. Said so on the wrapper.

They come in a long, flat can. The kind with a paper wrapper and a metal key to peel open the lid of the tin. I was a little intimidated. What kind of disgusting surprise was waiting for me under that lid?

Is this one of those left-over foods from the English in WWII where they kept a stiff upper lip and forced themselves to eat the most vile and disgusting things to spite the Germans? They happily ate Spam, remember. "Look you Kraut, I'm eating highly processed pig parts out of a can. You can't sink my spirit!"

Is "kippered" an English term for fermented fish guts?
Should this be an Iron Chef ingredient?
Is this a can of whole fish with their little eyes looking at me? Accusingly...
What kind of smell were they going to have? Possibly fishy?
Is this going to be one step away from cat food? If so, are the cats going to be fighting me for it?

I had a bagel, cream cheese and some crackers on hand to lessen the blow.

Opening the can. Paper wrapper gone.
The metal key broke off, of course, leaving me with a small puddle of oil on the lid.
No turning back.
Using the butter knife I was able to carefully open the lid.
Inside, tightly packed fish. No surprises. Nothing disgusting. It smelled like tuna.

Long story short, I ate the entire can along with my bagel and cream cheese. The kippers were good. I'd eat them again. I'd try them again with some onion and a tomato. I'd also just assume to eat a tuna sammie.

Final judgement: Kippered Snacks – Recommended for additional experiments. 7/10

There's a can of sardines in the cabinet that have been mocking me for a while.
Maybe next week.

Thursday, 1/27 -- Mental Spew, Volume 2.

It's hard to stay positive when your body seems to be working against you.

For all these months I've been working so hard to keep strong, keep positive and keep fighting. It's been somewhat "easy" to do that when my strength and mobility has been steadily returning. Getting back into a routine of work, household chores, social visits and more has made the entire experience a series of positive steps toward health.

Recent news of the progress of the disease in my chest has been a real blow to this. Combine that with the new chemo drugs that are currently making me weaker than I've been in months. It's all too soon to know if any of this is going to work.

I'm not feeling very positive.

I feel a lot of pressure to stay positive. I'm not just fighting for myself here, I'm fighting for everyone who has ever loved me. Everyone that has found a place in their heart to love me over the years deserves at least this. I fight because I care. I fight because you care.

That's a lot of pressure. Especially when you're not feeling well.
There are some days, like today, that I don't want to fight. I want to exist. I don't want to get weaker, or sicker. I just want to exist.

My body is going to be hurting me today. Pains in the chest and back. Weakness when trucking up to the bathroom. Aches when getting up and down. It all adds up to a general feeling that I'm not winning this battle. Am I not fighting hard enough? I'm tired of fighting. I'm so tired. I just want to exist for a while.

I have no desire to give up on anything.
I am determined to live a long and beautiful life.
I get tired.
I am tired.
Sometimes I need to be carried because I'm not as strong as you think I am.
I'm lost because I don't know how strong I have to be.
I don't know how long I have to maintain this clenched fist.
I used to be relaxed and easy going by nature, and days like today I feel that that part of me has already died.
If I relax, even for a moment, the cancer will gain ground. I can't let that happen.
I'm tired. I just want to rest.
I'm tired of fighting.
I can't stop fighting, but I can't keep it up.
I'm not as strong as you think I am.
I want to live.
I want my life.
It's mine, and I deserve it as much as anyone else. And goddamn whoever or whatever is making me suffer for it.
If I'm paying my dues now for future success in life, things are going to get pretty spectacular.
If I'm paying my dues for my past, then I know that my life has been pretty special.
If I'm being punished for something, I wish someone would let me know what I did to deserve this.
Maybe I got too close to finding some universal truth, so the gods have to silence me.
Maybe I got too close to finding true, real happiness with Lyn, so I have to be put in my place.
Maybe the randomness of the universe has picked me to be an example to you all. Look at Eric, and learn what the fickle finger of fate has waiting for each of you.

I don't know about you, but I think I've learned my lesson.

Wednesday, 1/26 -- Maintaining.

So far today is just a practice of status quo.

I feel about the same as I did the past two days. The chemo might make me weaker, it might not. So far... not.

My mind is pretty vacant, that might be a side effect, or it might be a gift. I don't know, but I'll take advantage of it and go to the couch and not use my brain for a while.

If I'm more animated later, I might make another entry. meh.

Tuesday, 1/25 -- I'm a heat miser, and other news.

I'm back from the doctor's appointment with varied news.

First off, my blood levels were not effected as severely as I thought they would have been. The levels are fairly contestant ad show no cause for alarm. My weakness may be caused by a general reaction to the drugs themselves.

My weight is at 188, I lost 3 pounds.

I've been having a pain in my chest consistent with a side effect that I've had before. It's a reaction to a bone marrow stimulator called Neupogen. It's a daily shot that Lyn administers at home when needed. I had three of them last week, and pain in the chest and bones since. No more shots for now.

After much discussion and option weighting, I received the same dosage and drug cycle as last week. It may make me weaker than I was last week. It may not. No one knows yet. We'll very soon find out.

I may be couch bound for this next week. Frustrating in light of all the progress I've made getting into a "normal" life routine. But if it helps cure me, then I'll sit on the couch for a week.

We have a more clearly defined understanding of what my current diagnosis is.
*I still have cancer in my lung, chest lymph nodes and along my spine.
*The nodes in my chest are larger than before, indicating that there is something going on there, possibly bad.
*The "nodules" in my lung are also the same are larger. Maybe more numerous... I forget.
*The cancer along my spine has remained consistent. It has been the root cause of the pain and hardships of my back. But there is no sign of it spreading or getting worse. Also no sign of it improving. It's too hard to tell if is healing or not. The next PET scan will help determine that.
*My liver and my pelvis look CLEAN!!!!!! The disease that was there in July is no longer there. (As far as anyone can tell). The hip pain I experience could very well be the slow process of healing bone.

All the original diagnosis areas from July are accounted for. There are no new areas of cancer. The cancer has not spread to new organs or areas since July. Any current activity is merely a change to the existing stuff.

All in all, I still found this to be upsetting news. It's not as rosy as I had wanted it to be. But anything less than "You're cured" is going to be disappointing. I just don't want to hear about any enlarged lymph nodes or lung activity. I'm supposed to be winning this fight.

It's all so freaking unreal.
Wish me luck.

Oh, by the way, our heater is working again. We have heat. Sweet, sweet heat.

I'm looking forward to the day when my biggest worry is wondering how to keep the goldfish tank water from turning green. I miss those days. That's not too much to ask.

Monday, 1/24 -- Please stand back from the VENT. Hot air is escaping.

Just when you think that life was complicated enough, things have to go from bad to worse.

Over the weekend our heater went on the "fritz" again. The plumber was here on Friday, he "temporarily" fixed it, but had to go out on other "no heat" calls. He said he'd be back. I have a call into his office today.

We have heat, but we have to physically light the heater for it to work for a few hours.

This happens every year when the temp stays below freezing for a few days. After three/four years of this I've noticed the pattern. I'm thinking that we should just have the whole damned heater replaced so we don't have to worry about it again.

Also making life more interesting, our roof is leaking. Every time it snows an ice dam forms around the back gutter. The melting snow backs up and starts to come down through the wall. Seeing icicles hang from the ceiling inside the three-season porch is not a good sign. Blocks of ice collecting on our storage shelves.

What color will the walls turn this time?

We had some highly incompetent roofers work on the area back in June. They installed new gutters upside down. They spilled roofing compound in our yard and used our garden tools to clean up the mess... dumping all the hazardous material in our neighbor's yard. Cigarette butts scattered around the work site. It's a great story.

I have a call into these rocket scientists to tell them that the roof they fixed is leaking. As soon as there's no snow on the roof, they'll be out to inspect their handy work. I hope I'm not fatigued for that day. I'm feeling like I want to launch myself at them if they don't fix the problem.

All this and I'm pretty much stuck in the house and on the couch thanks to the snow, outside temperature and the side effects of chemo. I haven't left the house since Tuesday. Doubt I'm leaving today for any reason.

It happens to everyone. Houses are money pits. Things break left and right. If it's not the heater its the washing machine. If it's not the toilet it's the faucet. After you replace the lamp, the light bulb burns out.

This is the kind of stuff no one wants to deal with in the best of health.
This is life. Complicated. Annoying. Stressful. Frustrating. Challenging. Beautiful.

Keep on trucking.

Saturday and Sunday -- Fly, Snowflakes, Fly...

I've been laying low these past two days, watching the mindless weather coverage on our local TV stations. It's all so silly, but there I am watching it.

All the stations have the reporters spread out over the area to show us what we can figure out by looking out of our windows. It's snowing. It's cold. It's probably not a good idea to drive. Not really compelling nor dramatic.

But there I am watching it unfold from the comfort of my couch, cat on my feet and hot cup of coffee within an arm's reach. Not a bad way to spend the weekend.

Actually, snow or no snow that's how I'd have spent the weekend. Got that chemo-related weakness, remember? That's still hanging on, although I am stronger a little more each day.

Tuesday we'll find out how much of a hit my blood counts have taken from this new bug juice. I suspect that we'll make an adjustment on the dosage and I'll be less fatigued. We'll see.

I'm afraid that my hair will start to fall out again. The shower was a little more fuzz than usual this morning. It'll be upsetting if it goes, but at least it we know it grows back. I'm afraid of losing my fingernails, which is a side effect of this juice. That's disturbing.

So long as we keep fighting and kicking and biting and slamming and hammering and punching and slapping and mauling and pinching and chopping and destroying and killing this disease.

Anything less is unacceptable.

The Eagles won! I was so happy to see the players so happy that I cried. I'm such a sap.