Saturday, 2/12 -- What color is your bus?

I continue to feel a little better each day, relief from the intense leg pain. I am convinced that it was caused by Procrit. They will NEVER use that stuff on me again.

The diminishing pain has, of course, helped my overall frame of mind.
I don't recall if I shared this in the blog before, but they ask me to rate pain on scale of 1 to 10, ten being the worst pain ever. One being a paper cut that you know is there but it doesn't top you from using your finger. The leg pain was spiking up to an 8 and 9 out of 10.

I felt what I consider a 10 of 10 once in my life. It was after my car accident in 1989. I won't go into details, but I want you to know that I won't use "10 out of 10" lightly.

When I'm in my most pain and fatigue is when I'm most depressed. But all things considered, who can blame me for being a little depressed all the time?

Being an upbeat, generally positive person doesn't mean also being blissfully ignorant.

However, what I would give to be blissfully ignorant of a lot of things right now.
Ignorance is underrated.
Idiocy is gold in my book. There's no shortage of it in the world, I just wish I had my share.

Anyway, I'm concentrating today on breathing. My lungs are a cause of medical concern, so I'll use some of the breathing techniques that Melissa, Dr Weil and others have taught me. More oxygen in my system can only be a good thing.

Air is our friend.

I will live to be 70.
But just like everyone else on the planet, I may be hit by a bus tomorrow.
I'm PLANNING on being hit by a bus when I'm 70.
The bus will be in Christchurch, New Zealand.
It will be green, white and have a splotch of Eric on the front.


By the way, I'm surprised that NO ONE has made any comments on the Dynamite Monkey picture I posted last week. That is one of my favorite pictures, I thought it would have gotten some kind of reaction. Maybe I'm more of an idiot than I realize? :)

Friday, 2/11 -- Leg mojo working.

I made it through the night without the aid of any pain medication. My legs did get sore at one point, however it was not enough to make me reach for the goofballs.

This is good news. It may have been the Procrit after all.
I will never let anyone inject me with that stuff again. I don't care what the benefits may be, the pain and mental strain is not worth it. There are other drugs that do the same thing and don't effect me like that.

I'm not out of the woods just yet though.
I'm still far too weak and tired. The chemo should have cleared out of my system enough that I should be relatively strong. My blood counts were strong. My calcium levels are normal. My appetite is strong. I'm well hydrated. I'm well rested. I can go on.

The point being, there is no good, easily explainable reason for me to be this weak.
It is something we have to watch.

All I want to do is go back to work and I can't even get dressed without getting winded.

Aaaaaarrrrggggghhhhhh! (not a pirate sound)

Thursday, 2/10 -- Barking orders like a big jerk.

Positive energies have been received. I've been getting a flood of good vibes through the air, through the atmosphere and through the satellite dish.

I've also been downloading Karma from the Internet. It's the latest fad.

My overall symptoms are the same. My physical condition is not all that great.
Weakness.
Fatigue.
Numbness.
Coughing.

The pain in my legs is still there, however, it is not as intense as it has been on other nights. I still need to take my pain pills at night to sleep.

So long as the intensity of the pain is slowly decreasing, that's a good sign. Increased pain would be a bad sign, of course. I guess that's an obvious statement. Duh.

The good news is that my condition has not worsened in the past few days.
The bad news is that things haven't really improved either.

We are faced with the real possibility that my body has suffered permanent damage from long term chemotherapy. I've been blaming the last chemicals themselves, but at this point ANY treatment could have had this effect. My body is in a fragile state.

Around the house:
I'm working with Lyn and my mother-in-law to start to box up all my eBay merchandise. I'm clearing it out of the house. We're cataloging it and preparing to send it to an auction house for sale. This process will take more than a few days. There's a lot of stuff to go through.

The thing is, I'm too weak to lift anything, so I sit on the couch and bark orders. Bring me this box! Take this away! Wrap this up!
It's a very hard adjustment for me. I'm too much of a do-it-myself person. I'm learning how to have people help me. It's not easy.

Kinds of vintage and antique stuff I'm getting rid of:
Barware
China and glassware
Fishing lures and reels
Reels of old films (Good stuff)
Stanley planes and woodworking tools
Kitchenware
Sheet music
And really so much more.

It was fun selling it, but I certainly don't have the energy or inclination to do it any more. When we're retired in 20 years we'll get back into the antiques business. But for now, we're going to concentrate our energy on other things.

If anyone has any interest in any of the kinds of stuff I might have, drop me a line. I'll let you know if I have it.

(Need a Fireking chaffing dish? Need a Fleuger fly reel? Need a vintage chrome cocktail set? Need a No. 4 Stanley corrugated-bottom plane? Need a set of whimsical bar tools? Need some bizarre salt & pepper shakers? etc)

Wednesday, 2/9 -- Fire up those Positive Thoughts generators. It's time to use them.

Calling in all the troops!

Below are some very attractive pictures of my legs. They are not just here for sex appeal to drive traffic to my site.




The pain in my legs that I've described has become something of a cause for alarm and we need your help.

In Tuesday's doctor's appointment I detailed the symptoms of the deep bone pain in my legs at night. My doctor was VERY concerned. More than I was expecting.

Long story short, it could be one of two things:
1) An intense reaction in my bone marrow to the Procrit shots I received last week in the hospital. The bone marrow in our shins lies dormant once we're adults. The Procrit may have stimulated it into growth again. (This means that my bone marrow in other parts of my body is now too far damaged by chemo for it to be viable anymore. Yes, that's bad.)

2) The kinds of deep bone pain I am experiencing, combined with the other symptoms of fatigue and general "sickishness" I'm now clearly manifesting, ... could be the sign that the cancer has spread to my legs. There is no way to confirm this with any tests beyond the diagnoses of symptoms.

The next few days will tell us what's going on. If my legs improve, then it's the Procrit. If they get worse or stay the same... Cancer.

So here's your mission. We need everyone out there to concentrate your positive thoughts, prayers, Karma, chi, mojo, voodoo and etc on my legs. We want it to be Procrit caused. Concentrate on that.

I need to feel the love.

Ready, set.... GO!

Update

I'm not in the hospital. I did get fluids all afternoon. I was dehydrated.

More later, or tomorrow.

Tuesday, 2/8 -- Hope to be home this afternoon.

I found the literature of the chemo drugs that I had taken last. No more guessing as to what drug is having what effect on me:

Taxotere (Docetaxel)
Cyclophosphamide (Cytoxan)

These are the drugs that kicked, and continue to kick, my ass. I think Procrit has also contributed to my generally poor condition. They advertise that one on TV with that old lady crossing guard. You know the commercial.

Today's goal at the doctor's office: NOT to be admitted into the hospital for any reason. I may have to get some Xrays on my legs. I can deal with that. I just want to come home today.

Also on today's list is to find out when I can expect to get some relief from all this pain and lingering side effects.

I sincerely hope that the damage is not permanent.

Monday, 2/7 -- It may not be a Superbowl Ring, but I'm wearing it with proudly.

It was very disappointing that the Eagles lost yesterday, however, I am very proud of them. They have no reason to hang their heads in shame.

They portrayed the same character, talent and class in last night's game that they portrayed all year. In a high pressure game against a very good New England team, that's impressive. Lesser teams would have embarrassed themselves. The Eagles stayed true.

Thank you for another fun season. I'm looking forward to another fun season of Eagles football next year.

In other news.
I'm feeling a little better each day as I clear out this old chemo stuff. I must admit that it still has a profound hold on me. I'm much weaker today than I expected to be at this point. Plus it's a weakness that is very deep in my core. I haven't experienced this kind of feeling in the past.

I continue to have numbness in my arms and legs. That is something that should have also passed with time.

I've been waking up with extreme pain in my legs each morning. So intense that I've been taking pain medication to fight it, and to help me sleep. For me to take pain medication, that's significant.

Tomorrow is my weekly doctor's appointment. We'll bring up all these issues with him. I want to suggest that I take another week off from chemotherapy. I want to make sure that my body returns to "normal" as much as possible before we sally forth with the next treatment.

Hopefully the oncologists will also think that's a good idea.

Mentally I've been OK. I know thee darkness of the blog has alarmed a lot of people lately. As well it should have. This can be, after all, a dark subject. It is about life, a life in balance. Darkness and light, positive and negative, laughing and crying. Without that contrast, it's just not realistic. As you all should know by now, I am foremost a realist by nature. That won't change.

As I said, mentally I'm doing ok right now. Kind of even-keeled.

I'm wearing my wedding ring for the first time since July. I had to stop wearing it when I lost all the initial weight. It just wouldn't stay on my finger. Lyn had a jeweler put a brace thing inside so I can wear it again. I can't tell you how much I missed wearing her ring on my hand.

Just try and take it off of me now.