September 15, 2004 Day 3 of 5

All I can say is that I'm very tired. The metallic taste in my mouth is stronger and is making eating more difficult. Nothing sounds too delicious when you know that it'll taste like metal.

I slept most of the day in my chemo chair today. Only really got up when I got the Lassix shot to make me pee, and pee, and pee.

I can feel myself drifting away into the sickness of chemo. It's a disgusting downward slope. I've learned to hate this feeling just as much as any other unpleasant thing. I can feel it taking over me.

I have to keep reminding myself that after Friday each day will get better, that I won't remember pain, and I will be myself again.

I dread that this round of chemo will bring side effects that I haven't seen before. Will more hair fall out? Will my eyesight and hearing feel permanent effects? What if my strength doesn't return to normal? I just have to hold out hope an try to mentally fight this.

It's when I feel this weak that I'm most scared for my future. I don't know if I'll have the strength to fight what'll come down the path next. I won't give up, but I don't want to be overwhelmed.

Oh I don't know. I'm tired. I owe a lot of kind people e-mail responses, but I can't get to them today. I'm sorry.