Thursday, 12/16 -- Look to the right to see a picture of a Big, Dumb Moron.
Sidelined, once again.
Today I'm sitting at home in my PJs feeling not at all happy. I've been stupid and now I'm paying for it.
I've been feeling pretty good lately, feeling like I'm on my way back to being my normal self again. I'm up off the couch, I'm going shopping, driving a car, going to work, cooking, cleaning, and so much more. I'm not consciously pushing my limits, more accurately I'm operating at a level that I believe should be within my limits.
Make sense?
I hurt my back lifting things that I had no right lifting. I'm still far too weak to be lifting heavy things. Not only is my blood weak, but my muscles are in atrophy. I can't build muscle when I'm getting chemo. Chemo attacks growing cells. Chemo attacks growing muscles.
My back is weak, and I kept pushing it and pushing it. Now I'm paying for it. My back hurts so badly that at times I cannot move. There is one muscle in particular that is giving me the most grief. It feels like a big one, so that makes it that much harder to move without irritating it.
I feel like a freaking moron. After all the pain and sickness I've endured these last few months, I had to go ahead and invent more pain for myself.
I'm feeling very sad today. I was making so much progress. Two steps forward, now three steps back.
I was watching TV today marveling at the commercials featuring smiling, dancing people. Dancing around with their products without a care in the world. I got angry at them for wasting all that energy, flexibility and freedom on a commercial. What I would do if I had that kind of energy again. How I would move if I wasn't in pain.
Damn it. Oh the list of things I'm going to do when I'm feeling better. This cannot go on forever. I insist on it. I'm putting my damned foot DOWN.
posted by L @ 1:38 PM
3 comments
3 Comments:
No worries E. This is something that all humanoids do. We have a setback, we go through repair...and then we push recovery. Do NOT beat up on yourself about it. Be careful, and be mindful to try and not repeat it...but do not abuse the E. Look at it as a testement to your stubborn unwillingness to lie down and let the process consume you. Just remember next time not to fight with as much...vigor. ;-)
Yours Truly,
Horsemen #2 of the Apocolypse.
Reminds me of the old Three Stooges bit
"Weak back? How long you had it?"
"Since about a week back."
Now, relax, rest up, conserve energy. You really should write a funny book critiquing television as one who has recently 'discovered' it. You watch it as begrudgingly as I used to eat peas.
mark
One of the hardest lessons to learn in running or cycling is recovery. We always want to push ourselves. Just think of the way small children fight sleep - they don't want to miss a second! But when we let our bodies rest and heal, we can do the things we love with even more vigor. The unfair part for you is just how long you've had to wait and the suffering you've endured! But the human body has an amazing capacity for healing - and you will heal! Your new self will be so much stronger.
Love,
Candace
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