Monday, 10/18 -- Wow, that really sucked.

Round Five of chemo has been a new experience. It hit me pretty hard this time around.

The details of the past few days aren't new, it's all stuff that I've talked about before. The effects were a little more intense this time around. The taste in my mouth more putrid. The general illness more crushing.

Lyn takes such good care of me. It breaks my heart that she has to. This isn't how things were supposed to go for us. She deserves much better than this.
Dare I actually say it... "This isn't fair."

Stating the Obvious

No one's life goes exactly as they want it. We make our plans, guess at life here and there and make "educated" choices, but of course we have very little control over what happens in the end. That's a mystifying illusion, that our choices have an effect on our fate. A year ago today I could have never guessed that I'd be a cancer patient. It wasn't part of our plan.

We're still newlyweds, Lyn and I. We've only just begun our lives together. She's the greatest gift I've ever gotten. She deserves so much better than this. Who really deserves this anyway?

I tell you, plain as day, we've gotten a downright shitty deal.

I'll stop right here before I digress into a list of cliches about how I don't deserve to be sick and how life isn't fair. I don't want any of you to get the wrong impression. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, wallowing in pity. Not at all. It's just something that I don't think I've said "out loud" before and I have to right to say it, "This shit isn't fair."

There are countless people that have it worse off than we do, but still I reserve the right to say, "We deserve better than this."

One last thing before I go lay down for a while. I've got some lyrics from an Elliot Smith song going through my head that I think are appropriate for this entry. The song is called "Pitseleh" from the album "XO".

...They say that God makes problems
Just to see what you can stand
Before you do as the devil pleases

And give up the thing you love...

But no one deserves it ...