Sunday, 1/30 -- This one could hurt.

These past two weeks have been very dark for us. As I've mentioned in previous days' postings that this round of chemotherapy has not been kind to me. It has been rough on the both Lyn and I. She continues to be an amazing inspiration. She cares for me in every sense of the word.

Granted, there are a lot of side effects that I have NOT had to endure with this bug juice. For that I am grateful. But the side effects that I have had to endure have been enough to make things harder than they've been for a while.

I am very physically weak. That leads to all kinds of complications.
Limited mobility.
Lack of energy to care for myself.
Muscle aches from lack of use.
Back tends to be more sore because it's not being exercised or stretched.

Mentally, it reeks havoc.
The knowledge of the disease having "grown" a little makes every ache and pain a new tumor. Every cough is the cancer taking its next step. (Is this true? Who knows?)
Feeling weakened means that I'm not strong enough to fight it. That scares us more than anything.
Spiraling cycle of dread and stress and despair and worry and crying and fear and rage and frustration and and and and....

I know in the past that I haven't spent too much time dwelling on the dark side of things on this blog. That's because I have been very positive about this fight. My honest thoughts are in every one of these postings. You've been witness to my frame of mind.

Many of you have told me how I inspire you with my outlook, my desire to fight, my strength and resolve. I appreciate it. But I hope we don't miss the point.

But let's not forget.
Let's not pretend.
Let's not lose sight of what's going on here.

And let's get ourselves prepared,
myself prepared,
that the end result of all this:
philosophy
energy
positively
research
prayer
meditation
concentration
devotion
exploration
friendship
togetherness
medication
science
power
teamwork
support
caring
miracles
karma
and LOVE...

may be very well be my death.

That kind of stops you in your tracks now doesn't it?