Thursday, 1/27 -- Mental Spew, Volume 2.

It's hard to stay positive when your body seems to be working against you.

For all these months I've been working so hard to keep strong, keep positive and keep fighting. It's been somewhat "easy" to do that when my strength and mobility has been steadily returning. Getting back into a routine of work, household chores, social visits and more has made the entire experience a series of positive steps toward health.

Recent news of the progress of the disease in my chest has been a real blow to this. Combine that with the new chemo drugs that are currently making me weaker than I've been in months. It's all too soon to know if any of this is going to work.

I'm not feeling very positive.

I feel a lot of pressure to stay positive. I'm not just fighting for myself here, I'm fighting for everyone who has ever loved me. Everyone that has found a place in their heart to love me over the years deserves at least this. I fight because I care. I fight because you care.

That's a lot of pressure. Especially when you're not feeling well.
There are some days, like today, that I don't want to fight. I want to exist. I don't want to get weaker, or sicker. I just want to exist.

My body is going to be hurting me today. Pains in the chest and back. Weakness when trucking up to the bathroom. Aches when getting up and down. It all adds up to a general feeling that I'm not winning this battle. Am I not fighting hard enough? I'm tired of fighting. I'm so tired. I just want to exist for a while.

I have no desire to give up on anything.
I am determined to live a long and beautiful life.
I get tired.
I am tired.
Sometimes I need to be carried because I'm not as strong as you think I am.
I'm lost because I don't know how strong I have to be.
I don't know how long I have to maintain this clenched fist.
I used to be relaxed and easy going by nature, and days like today I feel that that part of me has already died.
If I relax, even for a moment, the cancer will gain ground. I can't let that happen.
I'm tired. I just want to rest.
I'm tired of fighting.
I can't stop fighting, but I can't keep it up.
I'm not as strong as you think I am.
I want to live.
I want my life.
It's mine, and I deserve it as much as anyone else. And goddamn whoever or whatever is making me suffer for it.
If I'm paying my dues now for future success in life, things are going to get pretty spectacular.
If I'm paying my dues for my past, then I know that my life has been pretty special.
If I'm being punished for something, I wish someone would let me know what I did to deserve this.
Maybe I got too close to finding some universal truth, so the gods have to silence me.
Maybe I got too close to finding true, real happiness with Lyn, so I have to be put in my place.
Maybe the randomness of the universe has picked me to be an example to you all. Look at Eric, and learn what the fickle finger of fate has waiting for each of you.

I don't know about you, but I think I've learned my lesson.